as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
my being single is dangerous.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
