I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
