i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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