hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
