I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
