Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
