your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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