OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
