Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
