Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
soo... how was my night?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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