if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Did you pee in the oven last night??
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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