my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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