So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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