my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
