fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My nipple is on Facebook.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
