Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
