i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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