Already got asked if we're dating
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
