somebody snuck up and got me drunk
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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