his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
