I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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