i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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