I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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