she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
