one word: firstdatebathroomanal
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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