You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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