Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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