I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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