So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
