All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize