I look better un-naked...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
