So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
