Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
