I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
