If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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