i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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