i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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