Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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