Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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