My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
