He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
