$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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