if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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