were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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