The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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