You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
