We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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