The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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