i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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