I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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