my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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