i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
