Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
