Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
