I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
