Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
