I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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