just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize