I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
