This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
