Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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