I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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