Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I have feelings that need drinking.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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