bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
