You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
