Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
