Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
