Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
