I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
