I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize