I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
